Blogging MoRe

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

I got fired from my job on June 22nd without cause. I am actually not pissed about it… just annoyed. The people I worked for were tools so it’s a relief to not have to deal with that type of idiocy anymore. I do think though that at some point I will burst into tears whether they be due to frustration or relief, they are somewhere… hiding.

Now I can focus on things I really want to do…. finally. Our own business is finally starting to take flight. I really hope we can go far with it because I know it’s something DH absolutely loves to do and what better to make a career out of than your passion?

RIP Michael Jackson and everyone else we have lost in these past 2 weeks. It’s been really crazy in the news.

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooo… yeah.

Hi.

I updated WordPress and I’m not really seeing a difference but of course that could be just me.

I am feeling SO much better its kind of like I have been cured without doing anything. I still have headaches and the occasional case of dizziness but other than that I am feeling pretty damn decent.

Home life is actually on the rise. The firing of DH hasn’t been too bad because he got to collect unemployment and then I was able to start my lifelong dream of owning a business. I am now the proud owner of [FILL IN BUSINESS NAME HERE]! I have a pretty logo and everything!  Plus because I am a minority in the eyes of Texas, they consider me to be a Historically Underutilized Business. I am not sure who came up with that nonsense, but it sounds all kinds of wrong.

Anyway, so far it’s coming together rather nicely so hopefully it will take off and by next year I will be a semi millionaire drinking margaritas with my mother by my pool in my brand new house.

Meanwhile, back in the land of reality I am still working at the same old place¹ that has been giving me nightmares. As usual it’s not the job that is causing me the nightmares but the people. I really don’t know what it is about a post office that causes people to leave their brains at home, but damn. More now than ever we get people who show up with items in hand, no address, no boxes and then look at us like we are crazy when we tell them we can’t help them.²

I am like 35 years old or something, and as far back as I can recall when my mother went to the post office her letters were sealed with a stamp on it UNLESS she was there to purchase new stamps because she overlooked the fact that she was on her last few. I grew up doing the same thing. The post office was a place for me to drop off letters. It was never a packing place. I never rolled into it with a bag of items looking for a box, and free tape and free labels. Hell, I never recall them offering ANY of that. The line was long so that we could pay for the postage on the already packed up boxes or add little extras to our envelopes.

I know I have touched on this 100 time before, but it really blows my mind. And as I have said before, my face holds no secrets. When I feel someone is being an idiot, my facial expression will reveal it long before I have a chance to utter the words ‘You are a [bleeeeeeeeep] moron!’

And oh… before I go. Postage rates are now 44 cents. They went up on May 11th from 42 cents. Next year they will more than likely go up again. If you own Forever Stamps (the liberty bells) you do not need to ever add additional postage.  Ever.³

Thank you.

1. rumor has it come Friday I won’t have a job anymore so lets see how that goes [↩]
2. And go figure as I am writing this someone walks in and does this exact same thing. Wants to send his crap across the country and expects us to give him a free box and then ADDRESS THE LABEL FOR HIM! [↩]
3. Unless you are sending something international. [↩]

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

Ok, my plan was to sit down and write out a post and such, but then I noticed how out of date EVERTHING on this site is, so tomorrow I will have to update my WP and plug ins and give everyone the latest scoop on where my life ISN’T going. lol

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

Time sooooooo slips away from me.

And I really can blame no one but myself.

I finally am feeling semi-normal. I’m sleeping for most of the night… a lot less sweaty outbreaks and I am really thankful for that.

But more importantly I haven’t had a major headache in weeks. Maybe it’s because I have a new awareness of what’s wrong and I know how to control it all a little better…. who knows.

In other areas of life, DH is still unemployed. He was loving his mini-vacation at first, but now he’s getting restless. This economy suuuucks.

Well, that’s it for now. I really do intend to stick to my word and write more often but I am just taking complete advantage of how well I am feeling right now.

I miss you girls (and guys)!

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

I figure it’s about time I get rid of the ginormous pink elephant in the middle of the room.  As much as I love the color pink and I think elephants are cute, I don’t really think they are meant to be put together.

The question I get asked most these days is “Is everything OK?” and to be quite honest, yes it is. I am actually as OK as I think I could possibly be under the circumstances. I went through a period of time where I was really really angry and wanted to go back to each doctor I previously had seen and give them each a swift kick in the nether region. And of course, eventually anger brought me peace because I was finally relieved to know what the hell was going on.

As much as aspects of my life suck right now, I am embracing that relief like a security blanket because before, when I was dizzy and wanted to puke, it was a mystery. Now… I know what it is and I can deal with it.

It only took about 12 years to get an answer.

I have lost count of how many idiot doctors I have visited.

My favorite ‘medical professional’ was some freak in New Mexico. He was a neurologist who I was sent to to figure out the cause of my frequent and often intolerable headaches. When I arrived at his office, he had me completely disrobe to put on a too-small gown and sit on a very dirty looking table. His breath was so fowl it made my stomach churn.. and his examination included him groping my breasts, tapping my knees and elbows and rubbing my shoulders. He then determined from that that I had migraines. He wrote me out a prescription and sent me home.

Sadly, most of the other doctors weren’t much better.

Finally, I spoke to a nurse practitioner one morning after having a headache that had me in tears. I described to her all of my symptoms. I went down my usual list of symptoms:  headaches, dizziness, vertigo, pain in my face, sleep apnea, muscle weakness and countless other things.

Before I could even finish telling her everything she said to me, “have you ever heard of chiari malformation… because I think that’s what you have.”

I had to stop for a moment and gather my thoughts because I was so used to people breaking down the symptoms, trying to fix me in tiny pieces… the amount of meds in my cabinet are out of control… and there it was finally, a NAME that I could associate with everything. FINALLY!

I don’t understand what took so long.

THAT pisses me off more than anything. Slowly, my life had come to a screeching halt because to do anything usually resulted in me having to head home early or cancel plans.  I am sure it pissed everyone else off to always have to deal with me not being close to useless.

Anyway, Chiari Malformation is complicated. It’s a brain disorder. It’s rare. It’s incurable.

I can have surgery to relieve some of the pressure but it doesn’t always work, and there is the slight chance things could get worse. Without surgery the alternative choice is to have a shunt placed or be on medication for the rest of my life.

Soooooooooo, that’s where I am at.

I am happy. Pissed off. Content. Wanting to nutpunch old doctors. But happy. Because honestly…. life could be worse.

It could be a lot worse.

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

My intention is to write more… it really is.  But my days consist of me sleeping, eating, feeling pain, popping pills, sleeping, sleeping more, rinse and repeat.

I don’t want to make this a blog about me being ill cause that would be too depressing. Or would it?

Who am I kidding… I have so much to say that so not related to whats happening now and so I just need to get over myself and get back to blogging full time. I miss it a lot. I miss all of you sooooooo consider me back.

Even if it’s a quick blurb, I will post at least 3 times a week from now on

I appreciate all this support more than words can even expresss.

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

So… where have I been?

I don’t even know.

But I can tell you that I am alive… and still kicking.

Being me.

The only thing different now is that after 10 years and counting of not knowing what was causing me to feel like I had no control over my life, I finally have answers.

What turned out to be so simple for others to figure out… and for me to google and confirm… remained a mystery to every idiot doctor I have spoken to over the past decade.

And now we know.

I have a brain disorder.

Uncurable.

But treatable.

So the circus once again begins for me to demand treatement to make me feel better.

To once again live with some control.

And even though I am angry… I am livid… I am pissed because I was forced to suffer because my doctor’s were too lazy… I am so relieved to at least know something.

I guess that’s where I have been…

Surrendering to my fate.

Accepting what this is.

Finally seeing life for what it can be.

And I have to admit… I’m liking what I am seeing so far.

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

The hardest part about being on a hiatus is the mass of information you return with, but yet have no clue where to start with it. I have had quite a few things happen to me or around me over these past few weeks, but yet I can not decide if I want to immediately dive in and gross people out with pictures of mice droppings, or do a post about my adorable dog.

I’ve been sorting through my pictures and preparing to upload them, as well as write a short blurb about the events that matter but that is taking longer than expected. I really do take an absurd amount of pictures.¹

On top of that, DH is preparing to go to Washington, DC for the inauguration. He is so excited it borders on ridiculous. From the moment I gave the thumbs up for him to go² he has spent these past few weeks making endless reservations to see everything historic in DC. I must admit I was a little annoyed by that because it wasn’t supposed to be a vacation for him, just an opportunity for him to be a part of this historic event. However, I have come to realize that for the week of the inauguration, DC will look like a madhouse with a trillion other tourist, and he will have a miserable time which should come as no surprise since anything without me is bound to fail. Therefore, he will have to plan another trip to the nations capital, with me in tow so he can actually enjoy himself.

Another thing I am dealing with is a psycho neighbor. Rumor has it she was annoyed by the presence of the Obama sign in the yard³ and has begun “creating” issues with us. The latest drama was her calling the police on us because she thought we let her dogs out. Like, really?? DH is  the mouse rescuer! He would protect flies given the opportunity! Obviously she doesn’t know that about him or else she would realize how ridiculous her claim is.

And I still hate my job… for a variety of reasons which I can not get into. I am sure those who know me know why… and it’s getting old and tiresome having to deal with the same shit everyday.⁴ As I love to say, “I’m over it.” It’s time for me to focus on myself and getting my business off the ground so I can spend my days annoying myself. I really don’t do well where things are unfair and unbalanced… and sadly, that is how most businesses⁵ seem to function these days.

1. and all that does is make me want a new damn camera [↩]
2. alone - without me - since I am not a crowd person [↩]
3. i can only assume she doesn’t love Obama as much as DH does [↩]
4. like the fact that I get to work an hour early everyday… and usually have to work through my lunch and don’t even get credit for it. not that i want free time or something… just some acknowledgement of it… and it pisses me off SO much that i am expected to waste gas to drive all over town during lunch because no one can respect the parameters of me sitting there, and not being bothered for an entire hour [↩]
5. that are not run by me [↩]

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

I have spent the past 3 days upgrading my website.

Talk about torture.

I first had to upgrade wordpress because apparently I hadn’t done that since 2.4 or whatever… And then my theme needed upgrading as well¹. Of course, somewhere in all of that things shifted so I had to figure how to get everything back in the right place.

Now it seems it is all working, and less laggy so I can officially resume blogging.

So what has everyone been up to? How were your holidays? Did you make a New Year’s resolution? If so, what was it?

My holidays were booooring. My birthday was semi-interesting, which I will share soon, and for New Year’s I did nothing. I sat at home playing World of Warcraft. I didn’t even tune into any of the countdown shows. I didn’t make any resolutions… but I did set goals. I will get into those later.²

1. i can not say enough how much i love my WP theme… it is the best thing ever! [↩]
2. i can’t spill everything in one post! [↩]

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

Hi everyone.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Talk about being AFK¹ for way longer than I ever expected.

I started this blog early January 2008 while I was enjoying some peace and quiet from the chaos of working through the holidays. I clearly blocked all memories of those disastrous few works or else I would have known to not intend to write anything for the month of December. I would have put a “closed for the holidays” sign up so you would have known that I would be completely unavailable as well.

After dealing with insane people who again want to pay nothing but have their package arrive at its destination in pristine condition before Christmas, by the time I came home I wanted to do nothing more than take off my clothes, watch a little TV, kill something on WoW² and go to bed. This was how the entire month of December worked for me. Anything I could do that required very little thinking was my top priority.

In fact, this year I was so consumed by the mess of the working through the holidays that I didn’t send my usual holiday cheer - although most of you are indeed still receiving something albeit weeks late - nor did I check my email AT all for the entire month. How sad is that?

But now things have returned to a dull hum and I am eager to once again write and share, as well as read and learn about you all. I miss my friends so much! Most of my days are spent wondering how everyone is doing… making mental notes to go home and check your blogs or drop you an email, but like I said, by the time I would get home my brain had become some nasty kind of jelly that made it impossible for me to do anything other than go into auto-pilot mode.

All of us at the P.O. have made resolutions to not be working there for Christmas of 2009. I’m crossing my fingers this is true because losing a month of your life sucks.

So now, we shall resume our normally scheduled programming… And boy, do I have a lot to share. I hope everyone’s holidays were amazing… mine was not. And I hope you all can find it somewhere within to forgive me in my month long absence.

Until tomorrow.

1. away from keyboard [↩]
2. world of warcraft [↩]

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

With Thanksgiving behind me (and I must say I was very disappointed that I didn’t find some gold ring lodged in the middle of my overly priced ham) I am preparing for Christmas.

I am not a big Christmas person… in fact, we usually don’t even do anything on Christmas day. There is no big exchange of gifts or anything like that mainly because I put all my focus into Thanksgiving. Since this year Thanksgiving was a bust, I have decided to have a holly jolly Christmas. I am new to this, so I don’t even know where to start.

One thing that I definitely do each year is send out way too many Christmas cards. I have a list, and I cross reference it with the list from previous years so I know  how many rude people didn’t send me cards back. I always vow to stop sending those people cards, but never do.

I had been hoping to send my cards out the day after Thanksgiving but I haven’t even picked them out yet! Talk about running behind. Hopefully I will have this project out of this way by the weekend.¹

By the end of this year, I will be a year older. The birthday gets all wrapped up in the holidays so it’s pointless. In fact, I don’t even get birthday gifts… I get Birthmas presents. Like seriously, what the hell is that. And it would be one thing if the present was something bigger or better, but its the same present everyone else would get if their birthday didn’t fall around Christmas. I wonder how people would react if this year I gave them their X-mas present with a birthday card and announced that it was for both and to not expect anything else from me for the rest of the year.

All of that aside, all I ever really expect each year is a birthday cake and some candles. As a child I didn’t usually get one because my parents worked a lot, so my DH makes sure to get me one each year. Even though I know it’s coming, seeing it makes me smile more than anything.

I am happy to say I am feeling 70x better than I had been these past few weeks… I’m back to my usual cranky, outspoken self which seems to be a big relief to those around me. I am sure somewhere they are secretly wishing I’d go back to moping though.

I must say bye for now, I have much to do and I am hungry. Sadly, I am on a diet so my choices are limited.

PS - I will return to dropping Entrecards next week. Sorry for being such a slacker.

1. i’m not holding my breath on it [↩]

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

As Thanksgving approaches I have been working feverishly to get things in order. I absolutely love this holiday and usually go all out for it. I prepare food for days and make the biggest turkey I can find.

However, this year I work all week which limits the time I have to do much of anything. Of course with my extra visitors roaming freely I wasn’t very eager to whip up anything in the kitchen this week.

Instead we decided to go get a HoneyBaked Ham and prepare a few simple side dishes. It’s not what I really wanted or expected, but it’s better than nothing.

Last night we went to get the ham…. I was so excited because it’s been about 10 years since we’ve had one. It used to be tradition for us when we lived in Wisconsin to get one for Thanksgiving but the back woods of New Mexico didn’t have a store, so that ended that.

Anyway, the store was crowded and the workers looked crazy. They were bringing the hams up to people to inspect. It looked sooo odd. The couple next to us sent back 4-5 before selecting one that they liked. I mean really, its a HAM, not a child.

We kept the first one they offered to us and then proceeded to go into shock when we saw that 11 pounds of ham would cost us over $70. As we were paying it was declared that this would be the end of our relationship with HoneyBaked Ham.  Sad but true.

Or maybe not. On the way home we stopped and got some napkins and drinks and ate ham all the way home. It was better than I remember…. so maybe next year we will get 4 pounds instead of 11.

What are you all doing for Thanksgiving?

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

Yes, I know… I have absolutely failed hardcore at being a blogger, a friend, an associate and everything else. It was never my intention to completely vanish from the world of the living but by the time I realized what was going on, it had been almost 2 weeks since I last posted.

It’s kind of funny because writing here has always been therapeutic for me, and yet when I am stressed and beating the shit out of myself, the first thing I do it run from my comfort zone.

Anyway, I think I am better now. I’m not depressed… and that’s a start. Just the other day I barked some orders at the DH which made us both laugh because I was finally sounding like my old self. Hopefully the rest of me isn’t far behind.

I won’t make this post long… I imagine most of my readers have found another blog to replace this one and I can’t say I blame them… but here is a list of 5 things that have been going on in the world of Monique for the past month.

1. My home has been invaded by crickets - It’s gotten so bad that I really think I am on some candid camera show. Everywhere I turn, there is one waiting for me. Even on my bed!!! My screams are bound to result in someone calling the police one day.
2. My dogs are in heat - Talk about disturbing. Three female dogs all trying to get their groove on, all without a clue as to what they are doing. I’ve had them for years and years and never seen anything like this and I hope to never again.
3. We have mice - Thanks to all the construction around me, the area is having a rat/mice problem. I am grateful that it’s not rats racing through my house, but the mice aren’t making me feel all that great either. We saw one, and caught it… and then two, and caught it… and then a third and caught it… The DH rescued the first two and made homes for them since we already had one as a pet. I will elaborate on this nightmare in a later post. All I will say is that we recently caught the 5th one and they still aren’t all gone.
4. Too much internet has begun to hurt my eyes and wrist - I am definitely going to need to go see a doctor soon about both issues. Plus the new expansion for World of Warcraft came out and I was sucked back into the gaming world. I now can admit the geek in me will never die.
5. I have missed you all - Even though I wasn’t online to tell you, alllllllll of you were on my mind daily. And those who have shared their address with me have mail coming their way.

So tell me, what have I missed these past few week?

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

Today is such an amazing day for this country and I am sure I don’t need to tell anyone why.

However, I would like to encourage everyone to get out and vote.

Go go!

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

Note: I will return to responding to comments made by you all starting with this post. Sorry for not being on top of things. For some reason the comments were out of order so when I would respond they would be all confusing and I’d miss some so it would look like I was ignoring some… all very annoying. I think it’s all fixed now. Well, I hope it is.

I love Halloween so much. As a child I remember getting all dressed up and going door to door collecting outrageous amounts of candy. My mother would go through it all with a fine tooth comb and remove the pieces she felt could cause me harm… In reality she removed the pieces she wanted to eat.

As I got older and it became lame for me to go trick or treating I started attending church lock-ins which were a lot of fun… especially since the object of my fatal attraction was there every year. Nothing was quite as lovely as being locked in a building with him for endless hours. And even though he would later call me a used car, I still hold those lock-in memories close to my heart.

Many years later, for my 2nd trip down the isle¹ we chose Halloween as the date. It was originally made as a joke, more like a “haha, I dare you to” kind of thing. I was very very hesitant about it and so as a way to get out of it I told my future husband that I needed to check my horoscope and if it said for me to get married on the 31st, then I would. We shook on it and I went about my merry way pretty confident that it wouldn’t happen.

When October rolled around that year I went and bought one of those horoscope scrolls that tells you your outlook for the month. It listed all the days that were good to win money, to find love, and to get married. October 31st was the only day listed that month. I really thought that someone was playing a joke on me, but soon realized it was destined to be.

To avoid much drama between my families² we decided to take a trip down to the courthouse and get married there instead.  My father flew in to be our one and only guest/witness and spent most of the time before the nuptials trying to convince the groom that he should think long and hard about if he really wanted to get married. I wanted to knock him upside his head with my stiletto but the courthouse was not the best place to do that.

They kept us out of the courtroom away from the people who were waiting for their cases to be heard. The wait seemed to go on for hours and then we were finally called into the judges chambers where the ceremony was performed.

It was simple, lovely, and absolute perfection.

It’s been 12 years since then and it still makes me laugh whenever I think about the fact that I, the girl who was never ever going to get married, actually did it!

Anyway, I love this day and it means much more than trick or treating and headless horseman, or zombies and ghosts and all that other stuff. It’s just a good day!

1. the first time I was a runaway bride [↩]
2. adopted, biological, his side and so on [↩]

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

I have been following the very tragic story involving Jennifer Hudson’s mother, brother and nephew. It appears that this morning they have found her missing nephew in the back of the SUV they were looking for.

I honestly don’t know how people recuperate from this type of thing and my thoughts and prayers are with them during this time.

The story isn’t an uncommon one, the choice made by her sister to marry the man who allegedly did this to the family is not something new. It’s happening all over this country… this world… this one happens to be in the spotlight. I know I was on the path to marry a total loser who more than likely would have killed me, or I him, either way no good would have come of it. The best day of my life was the day I smartened up and walked away from him and never looked back. Of course you all have heard the story a million times but I can not stress enough how important it is for us women to be smarter. I was young… I was stupid and if my idiocy can make another woman realize that she is on the same path and changes it, then it makes my struggles worthwhile.

We never ever ever need to settle for less. Ever. I don’t care how fat, ugly, gross, nasty you think you are, you still deserve the best. I thought so low of myself back then that I felt me being with a some deranged drug dealing gangster thug was what I deserved. I justified my ass beatings each time too… always siding with him and his irrational behavior. I thought I could change him and make it better. He just needed someone to love him and that would make it all better.

Nothing I did ever made it better. I am almost positive if I were to google his sorry ass, he’d be either in jail or deceased.

Anyway, I wish someone had told me all of this 20 years ago instead of having to figure it out for myself… So hopefully this will touch someone else who needs to hear it and they find the strength to get out before its too late.

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

I think I am officially starting to feel better. I am back to laughing and not crying. In fact, I haven’t cried in over 24 hours which is good… unless I am just dehydrated and used up my tear supply.

Two nights in a row I have gotten more than 2 hours of sleep which is definitely helping me, a lot.

However, my dreams are becoming very strange.

My dream last night introduced me to a new relative. I was in my way too large house cleaning up after my non existent children preparing for a night out with my super studly husband when the phone rang. A voice from the other end said, “Hello cousin” and I instantly knew who it was. We spoke for a while, and she asked me to send her some Mary Kay because she liked the colors I was wearing in the photos she had seen. I didn’t know here name so I kept calling her “t.A.T.u girl”.

And even though she didn’t mind being called t.A.T.u. girl  I finally asked her what her real name was. I couldn’t understand her so I scribbled down some jibberish.

Apparently, my long lost cousin was one of the females from the group t.A.T.u. She was calling me from the UK because we had reconnected on Facebook. Her part of the conversation flowed like a breeze whereas I felt totally out of place and awkward.

All my attempts to get her off the phone failed… she just kept talking and talking. I even got on my flying mount¹ and tried to fly out of phone range. It failed.

Finally she needed to go check on her child and I used that opportunity to say good bye and promised to talk to her later… much much later.

I woke up cranky as hell. It all seemed so real I had to check my caller ID to make sure it was indeed just a dream.

Now really…. of all the people I could have dreamed of being related to it had to be someone from a group I don’t even listen to? I couldn’t have gotten a call from Mariah Carey?  …well no, that wouldn’t have been good cause I can not stand that woman. Oprah? She’s too busy to call lost cousins on Facebook.  Janet Jackson would have been nice… Angelina Jolie! Ok.. clearly, almost anyone else would have been better.

Anyone else having whacky dreams lately, or am I just eating too many Pop Rocks?

1. a clear sign of too much World of Warcraft lately [↩]

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

I finally managed to drag myself out of bed and take a look at myself in the mirror. It wasn’t a pretty sight, so I decided to take a shower. It’s been about 2 days since I have had one of those. It really isn’t like me to mope around as if the world is ending. But yet here I am still struggling for a breath.

This cold isn’t helping me much either… It’s clear I am going to need something stronger than Nyquil to give me the rest I need. My nights are filled with endless dreams that never reach a conclusion.

I feel utterly raw now… as if I were 15 again trying to understand what my purpose in life is. I guess the timing for this is right with my anniversary approaching, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don’t feel very grateful now… and not in a way that I don’t feel fortunate for the life I have… but because I feel those around me deserve much more than I am capable of giving.

I have been fighting with myself for constantly giving into these feelings of worthlessness… for feeling so broken. And then I get angry when I realize that all I want…. actually…. all I need is to know why.

So much of the things that have happened to me I have always vocalized and faced head on. I am not ashamed of the mistakes I have made or the paths I have taken, but there are parts of it that have no closure. I never had a chance to wrap it all up in a box with a pretty bow and to be quit honest, none of that has ever bothered me until recently.

My relationship with my father, as I have said before, was never a good one. Over the years it never really bothered me… it was what it was. But I guess the whole pandora’s box was opened when my mother wrote me asking what she had done… As if she had done anything.

I appreciated the responses the other day so much. They helped me in ways I never imagined and I now know I need to do something to make it right. My DH suggests I simply ignore my father and carry on like everything is normal. Yeah, like that’s so easy.

It would be a start though. And right now, anything is better than this.

I’m going to make my next step towards improvement and actually comb my hair. It’s been about a week since I’ve done that.

On a good note though, I got myself some pop rocks, and it’s really hard to stay down with those evil things popping off in my mouth.

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

Yeah. I made up the word.

However it definitely reflects how I am feeling right now.

I finally came out of my slump, and now I am feeling all floaty and stupid. Everything still has me wanting to cry at the drop of a hat and fall on the floor kicking, but for the most part I am doing well… emotionally.

I have a lot to write about it, but I am sick! Yes… I came to surface smiling and 99% whole only to get some rancid cold where my throat hurts like someone is doing surgery on it while I am wide awake. On top of that my eyes hurt, I am throwing up, and my brain has added a drum line without consulting me first. The constant pounding is pissing me off royally, and tylenol isn’t helping much.

I’m crawling back into bed for now since my eyes are not cooperating by staying open.

{{{{{hugs}}}}} to you all. You guys are the best.

Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.

There are several times of the year when I let life consume me, and I have to stop and take a breath. It is usually followed by a short bout of depression and then I am back to my usual cranky self. Right now, I am in the middle of my brief trip down depression lane, and hoping to reach the end of it soon.

What I usually do is take an inventory of life… I stop and think about my past and what I want for my future. I cry at the drop of a hat.. things that shouldn’t affect me but do. It sucks, but I think its therapeutic. It reminds me I am human.

It also reminds me that I am not my past.

Right now I am struggling with parenting issues. I consider my mother to be one of the most amazing women on the planet. I adore this woman so very much and honestly can not fathom what I would do without her here. Just thinking about it gets me all choked up. People are constantly telling me I need to “prepare myself” for it, but no thanks. Every time I think about it I see myself just paralyzed… I don’t know how I would move forward.

My father and I have never seen things the same way. I love him because he is my father, but outside of that I feel close to nothing… And that saddens me. He is one of those people who believes that I should do as he says and not what he does. He was never (in my opinion) a good husband or father.

I am sure in his mind he remembers being there as a father should, and taking care of me and my mother… but it’s not factual. Life was basically mom and I and even though he lived with us, it was as if we had a third wheel who occasionally stopped in to say hi.

I spent my youth secretly wishing my mother would get a divorce but she never did. She would later tell me she had made the choice to stay thinking it would be the best thing for me. It wasn’t. Or maybe it was… how would I know?

I have no doubts that 80% of the awful decisions I made with the men of my past were directly related to my upbringing. Watching him do as he pleased and my mother not really putting up much of a fight… I figured that was the norm. And granted I never saw my father hit my mother¹ but for me, it was all the same. I did not know where the line in the sand should be drawn… I mean if it was ok for my boyfriend to cheat, it must be ok for him to push me around.

My father used to beat my ass as a child… and even a teen. And I know I was a handful at time, but no where near as bad as I could have been. Or maybe I was. My friends were drinking and doing drugs. I did neither. My friends were having tons of sex and getting pregnant… not me. I think it was a way for him to work out his frustrations with the shit he was doing. And the beatings were always worse when my mother wasn’t around.

Once I came home late from a school play. I was 4 minutes late, and as my boyfriend pulled up to let me out I saw the front door close. I got out of the car and decided to sit on the front porch and wait for my mother to come home. She worked the third shift and I knew she would be home any minute. But it just my unluck that she was working overtime. When I realized she wasn’t going to come home on time I got up the courage to knock on the door. My father opened it up with such anger, and before I could even speak he began slapping me around, punching me because I was late. He never allowed me the chance to explain that I was right outside and that I was just waiting for my mom because I saw him close the door…

I had welts on my back for days.

His big hand prints covered my body.

I had bruises.

And I am sure he has no recollection of this… or at least no memory of it being as bad as it was.

By the time my mother came home I was locked away in my room. She remained oblivious until I told her the following day. By then she had his version of it and just told me that I shouldn’t have come home late. I didn’t bother to try and tell her my side…

Since that day I closed myself off from both of them. And while I still share parts of my life with my parents, neither of them honestly know me. If I were to die tomorrow, I would have friends who would be sharing stories and I am sure for them it would be like listening to the life of a stranger. They know nothing about who I am or what makes me me. And that’s sad.

My mother recently sent me a letter asking me if she had done something wrong which is why there is such tension between us. As much as I would love to call my mother and speak to her everyday, I don’t. In fact I don’t even call twice a month. I let their calls go to my answering machine because I just don’t want to deal with him.

I guess what hurts the most after all this time… what still gets me down… what still keeps me broken after all these years is that he has never apologized for his actions. Because he is the adult, because he is my father, he is justified in his ill treatment of me. All of his cruel words are ok. The fact that he has watched me suffer through physical and emotional pain, and did nothing to even try to make it better… That he could act like it doesn’t matter…

And even after all these years, I just can’t overcome it.  So I spend these weeks down and out.

And yet I still love him.

1. and I am sure if he had she would have left [↩]